I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
and eventually we just all took our pants off
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
