Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Randomize
