don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
