i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
