if only i could text you this smell
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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