take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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