herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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