I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
