Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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