Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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