i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
