last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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