thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
