Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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