wanna go halves on a baby?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
