I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
my phone needs a breathalizer
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
