there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
