do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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