just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
