too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
