I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
