I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
