and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
