i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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