We named our party play list daddy issues
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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