Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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