He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
