1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize