At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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