I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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