that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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