I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
