Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
