I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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