I want to have your abortion
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
