I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
