Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The air was thick with penises
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
