Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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