I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
