I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize