bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just want to make out with him forever
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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