4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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