So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
