He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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