God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?