When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?