Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
