Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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