My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
