I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
