apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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