one word: firstdatebathroomanal
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
