you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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