Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
the liver wants what the liver wants
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
