I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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