Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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