i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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