Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
