Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize