he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
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I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
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I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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